A man went to see the doc, who told him, "I've got bad news and very bad news - which do you want to hear first?" "The bad." "You've got 24 hours to live." "What's the very bad?" "I forgot to tell you yesterday!"

I got a cup of coffee and the lid on the top said, 'May be hot.' Next time I buy a bottle of wine, I'll check the bottom to see if the says, 'Open at the other end.'

A string walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager but the barman says, "Sorry, no strings allowed in this pub." The string goes into the bathroom, ties itself into a knot and frays himself at each end. He goes up to the bar again and asks for a pint of lager but the barman is suspicious and asks, "Were you not the string that was in here a couple of minutes ago?" "No," says the string. "I'm a frayed knot!"

We were so poor when I was a kid that for my seventh birthday my parents gave me an empty box, all wrapped up. They told me it was an action man deserter!

"Don't insult me by lying!" "That won't require lying!"

Knock Knock Who's there? Biggish. Biggish who? Sorry luv, I've got no change.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

The main advantage of being famous is that when you bore people at dinner parties, they think it's their fault. (Henry Kissinger)

"If I can't take it with me, I'm not going." (Bob Hope)

The drink ... tasted like boiled water in a cup that was once filled with Ribena.

It was very good of God to let Mr Carlysle and Mrs Carlysle marry each other - and so make only 2 people miserable, instead of 4!

I met a man the other day who was so old, he could remember when the Dead Sea was just a bit sick.

Why will you never starve to death in the desert? Because of the sandwiches there.

Why did God make man before woman? If you're creating a masterpiece, you have to make a rough draft first!

Spring had come, but oh! dear me! The rain came pouring down. An owl was sitting in a tree, and on his face a frown. He wouldn't get his feathers wet, nor go to find a mate, He only said, "Toowit toowoo" and wouldn't sit up late. The rain it rained, and wouldn't stop, The wind just blew and blew. And all the poor old owl could say Was....."Too wet to woo."

What is the difference between LA and a bowl of yoghurt? The bowl of yoghurt is the one with the active culture living in it.

And he said "My dog doesn't eat meat."  I said "Why not?"  He said "We don't give him any."

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.  A woman stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said "What do you want?"  "I'd like to stay here"  "OK.  Stay there."

I went to the doctor.  He said "You've got a very serious illness."  I said "I want a second opinion."  He said "All right, you're ugly aw well."

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent.  I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote."

I went into this pub and ate a ploughman's lunch.  He was livid.

I got home from work and the wife said "I'm sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner."  I said "Don't worry, I'll get you a new cat."

I went into this ice cream parlour and said "I'd like a vanilla cone."  The assistant said "Hundreds and thousands?"  I said "No, I'll just have the one."

I've always been unlucky.  I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I said to the waiter, I said "This chicken I've got is cold."  He said "I think so.  It's been dead for 2 weeks."  "Not only that", I said "it's got one leg shorter than the other."  He said "What do you want do to, eat it or dance with it?"

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.  Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.  She won, she had the hammer.

I hurt my back the other day.  I was playing piggy back with my 6-year old nephew, and I fell off.

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green, green, grass of home."  "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"."  "Is it common?"  "It's not unusual."

Guy goes into the doctor's.  "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."  "How's that?"  "Don't you start."

So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"  He said "It depends where you're calling from."

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.  Filthy, dirty and covered in cobwebs ... but she's good with the kids."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."  The other one says "So are you."

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.  He picks up the dog and starts swinging it around his head.  Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out "Can I help, sir?"  "No thanks," says the blind bloke "just looking."

Cos it's strange, isn't it.  You stand in the middle of the library and go "Aaaaaaagghhh" and everyone just stares at you.  But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

Now most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?  The one I was in went back and forwards.  I thought "This is unusual."  The dentist said to me "Mr.. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved.  And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved.  And then he rang up a third time and said "You're the managing director."  And I went into a tree.  And a policeman came up and said "What's happened to you?"  And I said "I careered off the road."

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.  He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.  He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.  Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.  When the elephant gets level with him it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.  It was a different elephant.