From The Big Issue

Anglian Water sent out a leaflet to Mrs Audrey Hayley (deceased).  It began, appropriately enough: "Dear Mrs Deceased ... We aim to make life easier".  Anglian Water have since apologised for their untimely computer error, as have managers at Leicester Royal Infirmary, who dispatched service questionnaires to 2 dead people.  Meanwhile, 2 women pensioners, aged 81 and 95, received letters from their local JobCentre in Hamilton, Scotland, inviting them to discuss their employment prospects.

 

Margaret Malone, from County Carlow in Ireland, was informed her name was being removed from the electoral register because she was dead.  The letter also informed Mrs. Malone - who passed away in 1996 - that should she want to dispute the decision, she should notify the council immediately.

 

In Coruna, Spain, an impatient undertaker has been fined $28,000 for violating ethics rules, by attempting to drum up business from local hospital patients.  Shocked witnesses claimed that he would pull his trusty tape measure out of his jacket pocket and begin sizing them up for a suitable coffin where they lay. Some patients were so stunned that they nearly died then and there from the shock.

 

As did over 75 mourners at a funeral in Stade, Germany.  The grisly drama unfolded just as the service began, when the 46 year old heart attack victim's muscles constricted, causing him to suddenly sit bolt upright in his coffin, and the trapped air in his stomach to be expelled in the form of a loud, lengthy and satisfying belch.

 

A 25 year old in Romania collapsed and was rushed to hospital, where he was immediately declared dead on arrival with severe alcohol poisoning.  A few hours later, an unsuspecting doctor went down to the morgue to carry out a post-mortem examination - only to find the corpse had done a runner.  The police made a hasty bee-line for the family home, to find his relatives merrily toasting his return.  When questioned he told officers he had no recollection of the incident "except the mind-numbing horror of waking up among the corpses".