Home Security - Top 10 Tips

1. Whatever you, don't EVER move in

2. If you DO move in, NEVER leave the house
3. Destroy anything of value before anyone else does
4. Ignore insurance - you might as well give the money to your teenage kids and try to get it back
5. If you are wondering where to fit locks, remember that a burglar can squeeze in thro' a hamster's bum if he wants to
6. Don't bother with expensive patio doors - a jemmy will reduce it to twiglets in minutes
7. Don't count on neighbours. They may be able to hear your radio from 100 yards away, but they won't notice a burglar smashing your door in with a sledgehammer
8. Calling the Police is only advised if you want to remain scared for the rest of your life
9. When the burglar returns, the new locks you have fitted will only make him annoyed
10. Don't worry - be happy.