I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

 

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to the bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

 

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

 

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up,  I said "Did you get my drift?".

 

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

 

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

 

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

 

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

 

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

 

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

 

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ......... one jar.

 

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

 

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

 

So I was in Tesco and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I  said "Are you two an item?".

 

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I  thought "That's a turtle disaster".

 

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".

 

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

 

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".

 

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road".

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer".

 

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they  are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal".