Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care. One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later they were still walking about with it. They had lost the plot.
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! I got one cheaper off the web.
Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her some bathroom scales.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.