What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
*********What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals? Philippe Philoppe
*********I was getting into my car and this bloke asked me if I could give him a lift.I said "sure, you look good, the world's great and you're going to succeed"
*********I was having lunch with the international chess champion Garry Kasparov - there was a check tablecloth and it took him 2 hours to pass me the salt
*********A ship carrying red paint collides with a ship carrying blue paint - the crew were marooned
*********Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field but was suddenly hit by a string of sausages. He managed to keep control and pulled back into the lead only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. Still managing to keep control, he continued to hold the lead but on the run in, he was hit on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pud. Thus distracted, he came in second. He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you strength to squeeze more out of the lemon? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I'm a tax man."
Well Stated Facts...
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.
How is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It won't work and you can't fire it.
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
Marie, a blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale.
The Clerk Answers with: "Sorry, ma'am, Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."
"Oh, that won't work!
The blonde with the baby answers: "Because I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
A few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper,
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great!
What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time,took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"
The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a tepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a tepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two-story tepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered,
"It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled "Coping with darkness".
How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's probably screwed in too tight anyway.