Tommy Cooper Classics

I walked into a dentists, the dentist said "Say ahh". I said "Why?". He said "'Cos my dogs just died.

Van Gogh was in a bar, and the barman said "Vince mate, can I get you a drink?" Vince replied "No thanks, I've got one 'ere".

A man went to see the doc, who told him, "I've got bad news and very bad news - which do you want to hear first?" "The bad." "You've got 24 hours to live." "What's the very bad?" "I forgot to tell you yesterday!"

I got a cup of coffee and the lid on the top said, 'May be hot.' Next time I buy a bottle of wine, I'll check the bottom to see if the says, 'Open at the other end.'

A string walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager but the barman says, "Sorry, no strings allowed in this pub." The string goes into the bathroom, ties itself into a knot and frays himself at each end. He goes up to the bar again and asks for a pint of lager but the barman is suspicious and asks, "Were you not the string that was in here a couple of minutes ago?" "No," says the string. "I'm a frayed knot!"

We were so poor when I was a kid that for my seventh birthday my parents gave me an empty box, all wrapped up. They told me it was an action man deserter!

"Don't insult me by lying!" "That won't require lying!"

Knock Knock Who's there? Biggish. Biggish who? Sorry luv, I've got no change.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.

The main advantage of being famous is that when you bore people at dinner parties, they think it's their fault. (Henry Kissinger)

"If I can't take it with me, I'm not going." (Bob Hope)

The drink ... tasted like boiled water in a cup that was once filled with Ribena.

It was very good of God to let Mr Carlysle and Mrs Carlysle marry each other - and so make only 2 people miserable, instead of 4!

I met a man the other day who was so old, he could remember when the Dead Sea was just a bit sick.

Why will you never starve to death in the desert? Because of the sandwiches there.

Why did God make man before woman? If you're creating a masterpiece, you have to make a rough draft first!

Spring had come, but oh! dear me! The rain came pouring down. An owl was sitting in a tree, and on his face a frown. He wouldn't get his feathers wet, nor go to find a mate, He only said, "Toowit toowoo" and wouldn't sit up late. The rain it rained, and wouldn't stop, The wind just blew and blew. And all the poor old owl could say Was....."Too wet to woo."

What is the difference between LA and a bowl of yoghurt? The bowl of yoghurt is the one with the active culture living in it.

Two blondes walk into a building .......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your  kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, Or my older brother Colin, Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well ........ It's not unusual ........."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library."  I thought, "That's a turn up for the books"

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.  I said "Do you earn a living doing that?"  He said "Yes, thisis my livelihood."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing.  I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?"  And a voice said "You are."

So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house."  He said "I'm not stopping you."

I went to the doctors.  He said "I'd like you to lie on the couch."  I said "What for?"  He said "I'd like to sweep the floor."

I went to the doctor.  He said "What appears to be the problem?"  I said "I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away."  He said "How can I help?"  I said "Break my arms."

My wife had a go at me last night.  She said "You'll drive me to my grave."  I had the car out in 30 seconds.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.  Unfortunately Stradivarius  was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

One year I got a bike for my birthday.  So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down.  "Can't you ring your bell?"  she said.  "I can ring my bell," I said "but I can't ride my bike."

We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it?  The Stewardess gave me chewing gum.  I put it in my ear.  Took 2 days to get it out.

I'm on a whiskey diet.  I've lost 3 days already.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of my car and says "Would you please blow into this bag, Sir".  I said, "What for, officer?"  He says "My chips are too hot."

I got stopped again by another policeman.  He says "I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station."  I said "What for?"  He said "I've forgotten the way."

So I said to the taxi driver, "King Arthur's Close."  He said "Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights."

A man walks into a greengrocers and says "I want 5 pounds of potatoes please."  And the greengrocer says "We only sell kilos".  So the man says "Alright then, I'll have 5 pounds of kilos."

And he said "My dog doesn't eat meat."  I said "Why not?"  He said "We don't give him any."

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.  A woman stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said "What do you want?"  "I'd like to stay here"  "OK.  Stay there."

I went to the doctor.  He said "You've got a very serious illness."  I said "I want a second opinion."  He said "All right, you're ugly aw well."

When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent.  I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote."

I went into this pub and ate a ploughman's lunch.  He was livid.

I got home from work and the wife said "I'm sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner."  I said "Don't worry, I'll get you a new cat."

I went into this ice cream parlour and said "I'd like a vanilla cone."  The assistant said "Hundreds and thousands?"  I said "No, I'll just have the one."

I've always been unlucky.  I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

I said to the waiter, I said "This chicken I've got is cold."  He said "I think so.  It's been dead for 2 weeks."  "Not only that", I said "it's got one leg shorter than the other."  He said "What do you want do to, eat it or dance with it?"

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.  Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.  She won, she had the hammer.

I hurt my back the other day.  I was playing piggy back with my 6-year old nephew, and I fell off.

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green, green, grass of home."  "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"."  "Is it common?"  "It's not unusual."

Guy goes into the doctor's.  "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."  "How's that?"  "Don't you start."

So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said "Is that the local swimming baths?"  He said "It depends where you're calling from."

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife.  Filthy, dirty and covered in cobwebs ... but she's good with the kids."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."  The other one says "So are you."

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog.  He picks up the dog and starts swinging it around his head.  Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out "Can I help, sir?"  "No thanks," says the blind bloke "just looking."

Cos it's strange, isn't it.  You stand in the middle of the library and go "Aaaaaaagghhh" and everyone just stares at you.  But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."

Now most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?  The one I was in went back and forwards.  I thought "This is unusual."  The dentist said to me "Mr.. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved.  And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved.  And then he rang up a third time and said "You're the managing director."  And I went into a tree.  And a policeman came up and said "What's happened to you?"  And I said "I careered off the road."

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress.  He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot.  He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.  Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by.  When the elephant gets level with him it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.  It was a different elephant.